i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
