New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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