Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
