I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
