my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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