Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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