Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
