...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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