what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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