id be glad to
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
