So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
