Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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