I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
