Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
