I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We need to get me chipped asap
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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