the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
