Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
