I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
