Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
