AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
