there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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