I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
