In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
