I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Sext me about skeletons
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
