I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
