he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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