I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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