you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
