Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
