I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
