Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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