my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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