I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
