if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
