it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
