how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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