I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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