half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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