umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
