the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
