I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
