Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
