You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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