hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
