dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
