i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
