my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
