How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
