I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
