You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
