WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
